Conflict

What we consider to be negative or undesirable emotions challenge us to develop emotional intelligence and maturity to become successful.

Conflict alerts you to what you don't want. You are afraid the outcome will hurt you or be what you don't want, but those subconscious feelings automatically put you into a defensive posture and you immediately have a protective attitude. It's normal, but maturity comes when you pause and become aware in the moment of conflict, what is motivating your response.

You want to find clarity and a common goal. Decide not to stay in the emotion of conflict and move through it. Your response is what you want to control. You can't control the other persons thoughts and actions, but your thoughts and actions can influence how the other person responds.

Seek to understand yourself first. Imagine your desired outcome and how you want to feel in the process of moving through conflict. What triggers your response? Feel your feelings and fully experience your negative thoughts before you move to a higher logical and intellectual understanding that leads to positive thinking and feelings. Sit with it and let it speak to you. Get grounded in the moment before you react. The more self aware you are, the more you can control how your response is received by other people.

Where are you keeping your head time? Don't live in your problems. Don't think, "I can't believe I have to deal with this!" Live in your solutions.

Make every effort to understand where the other person is coming from. Be curious about the other person's perspective. Don't judge or assume. Listen and understand their fears, desired outcome and how do they want to feel. Listen as much as you talk, or less. If the other person doesn't have healthy conflict resolution skills, you can influence their emotional energy in a good way or not so good way. Don't put the other person on the defensive.

99% of conflict is the result of miscommunication. 7% of communication is the words you use, 38% is the tone of your voice and 55% is body language. Be mindful of your words, but even more aware of your tone and body language. Watch your expression. You may not be angry, but you need to inform your face of that. Buttons get pushed, emotions are triggered that produce undesirable reactions. Humans react emotionally for two reasons — to avoid pain and to survive. Remove yourself from the emotion of the situation. What's happening and what you believe about what's happening may miles apart. Take responsibility for your contribution to the conflict. Visualize the outcome you want and create it.

How you treat other people is the sum total of your story and how other people treat you tells you their story. Find common ground. Ask yourself some powerful questions, "How is this situation designed to benefit the relationship or circumstance? How did I attract this experience?" Then wait and watch the answer reveal itself.

Forgive. Resentment is like taking poison and hoping it will kill the other person. Decide ahead of time that you are not going there!